MEN IN THE BEDROOM: DON’T TAKE THE OFFICE HOME
Take care to leave executive habits at the office: bringing them home is a sure way to ruin intimacy.
Given that men spend most of their lives at work, it is understandable that sometimes they forget where they are and treat their partners as colleagues and their home like the office. They may not realise it, but their inability to switch out of company mode can have a subtle but cumulatively negative effect on their family.
Companies demand emotion-free decisions. They train their executives to slice off sentiment and not allow issues to be blurred by feelings. They teach their people to find efficient solutions, always with an eye on the bottom line. When at home, instead of listening and allowing subjects to unfold in their own time, many men let this training come to the fore and rush in with a quick answer. They are doing what they know best, but in the process they are eroding prospects for intimacy.
In these men’s minds, they can now move on and sort out the next issue. But if they could slow down, respond, share ideas, listen attentively and be a sounding board, prospects for intimacy would improve enormously.
One difficulty such men face is learning to listen for the subtext in the discussion. They make the common mistake of hearing a set of facts and forming a judgement immediately. Consequently they miss the emotional import.
They also have difficulty sending a message that is not didactic and dominant. While such messages are the currency of business exchange, in domestic relationships they are alienating.
Counsellors who deal with this problem talk about the concept of the ‘bank of goodwill’ at home and encourage men to make emotional deposits as well as withdrawals.
Those who keep drawing out the goodwill and expecting the account to replenish itself are surprised when it is depleted.
One way of making a deposit is to anticipate conflict in order to avoid it. But in order to be able to take pre-emptive action, you need to be alert, insightful and willing.
While many know intuitively when something is wrong domestically, they often don’t pursue it because they are too busy, too tired or hope it will eventually resolve itself.
The Australian work culture, particularly at the executive level, is punishing. Executives are often expected to put in a 60-hour week, and many are in a hurry. They feel they are on a fast-moving train, rushing past stations. There is never time to get off and stay off long enough to become emotionally connected.
One 45-year-old high-powered manager, who spent 10 days a month working in Asia, consulted a counsellor because he was losing motivation. It was his second year on this super-fast treadmill, and while the financial rewards were terrific, he couldn’t work out why he was feeling so down. Even his monthly golf game had lost its shine.
It was a standard problem for the counsellor. The executive was focusing exclusively on performance and was not connected with his feelings. Consequently he felt distant from everything and had no intimacy in his life. There was no family time, and when the layers were peeled back, he was depressed.
When you are stressed by work, emotional intimacy is not a high priority, sexual intimacy even less so.
Many men imagine they are built for speed and should be instantly aroused. They become preoccupied with their performance and intercourse becomes a test. The responsiveness of their partner is important but secondary to their performance.
These men bring work values into the bed. Some even time themselves. It used to take them 2 minutes to get an erection, and when they get to 1 minute 40 seconds and nothing is happening, they become anxious.
Stress and sex are not a good biological mix. While stress is mentally absorbing, it can sabotage arousal.
Our bodies respond to stress by producing adrenaline, which, in turn, ensures blood goes to the major organ and muscle systems in case we need to flee. In primitive terms, a stressed body is focused on survival, not reproduction, and in these circumstances libido suffers.
But this does not mean the partner’s libido is low or that she appreciates that she is not the cause of her partner’s lack of interest in sex or intimacy.
The situation can deteriorate rapidly and leave them with a classic case of desire discrepancy, resulting in her being keen and him having the headache.
Eventually neither will be interested.
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