YOUR MARITAL HEALTH/FINDING OUT WHO’S THE MATTER WITH US: COLD
SEXUAL PROBLEMS – PROLONGED CONTEMPLATION
PROLONGED CONTEMPLATION: I think I start to think things over before it’s over. That is, I start to feel empty even when he’s in me. I think, Oh well, at least I’m getting held. That’s more than I usually get.. I even start to cry, but 1 cover it up by faking arousal.
WIFE
When we are lying there after, I just think to myself. I think about life, work, us, the kids. I don’t know why, but after sex, I get very reflective, very philosophical, kind of funky.
Seventy-five women and 109 men reported this prolonged contemplation. Cold-running times are often accompanied by long periods of introspection, often negative introspection of missed opportunities and goals. Fewer women than men reported problems, with prolonged contemplation, perhaps because they were more comfortable with or more acclimated to such reflection and thoughtfulness about sexual intimacy. Of course, the men and women were all in therapy, so introspection was to be expected. As I pointed out in the introduction, I am including numbers here for illustration, not documentation. The numbers cannot tell us how often these problems occur in the general population, but they can help us understand about the gender overlap, generality, and life-systems orientation of sexual difficulties.
I noticed that the women reflected on the marriage, the relationship, the loving. Men tended to reflect on life in general, as if forgetting the sex and moving on to unresolved daily problems. This finding, as with all of the findings in this subjective report, is certainly not true of all men or women, not gender-caused. However, some of the difference may be related to expectations and views of sexual experiences and the effect of our love maps. The colder we are running in our life, the more we may freeze up a little after sex.
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